As of this week I’m an officially ordained minister of the Church of the SubGenius. I am not alone in this pecular profession; you too can become a SubGenius minister yourself for the low price of $35 plus shipping!

What is this church, you ask? It’s the world’s only admittedly for profit religion; donations are not tax exempt.

The teachings are simple. In the 1950’s a pipe smoking salesman named JR “Bob” Dobbs assembled a television set only to be contacted by a video feed of JHVH-1, a somewhat evil alien god. The rest as they say is history. The message of “Bob” and his primary wife, the blessed anti-virgin “Connie,” is that we must achieve maximum Slack before planet Earth is destroyed on X-Day in 1998.

But wait — what is Slack? And didn’t our planet survive 1998? The answers are simple. Slack is indefinable, and due to the conspiracy nobody knows what year it is, let alone if we’re on planet Earth, or if 1998 was upside down and the planet will actually end in 8661.

Unfortunately “Bob” was assassinated here in San Francisco at the Victoria Theater in 1984 while on stage with Dr. Owll (known to the conspiracy as Harry S. Robbins, aka Dr. Hal, aka Commander 14) though “Bob” occasionally comes back to life when it’s convenient.

As a minister of the Church am I able to assist in your marriage? Absolutely, unless you subjugate yourself to the conspiracy’s definition of marriage. For those who care about immigration or taxes seek out a minister who’s part of the conspiracy.

Praise “Bob”! All hail Slack! It’s time to pull the wool over your own eyes — only the Church of the SubGenius offers eternal salvation guaranteed or triple your money back.