How to survive a nuclear blast

In the mid-20th century, Americans were concerned with surviving a new threat: nuclear weapons. Unlike previous types of bombs, nukes could wipe out entire cities in a single blast, burn the surrounding area, and give survivors cancer and other serious health problems.

Thankfully, American scientists invented two foolproof methods of surviving a nuclear blast: hiding under your desk, and keeping your house clean.

That’s right — you can prevent certain death with a desk and a broom! And if you survive, you can just buy a toupee to hide your bald spot. Here, I’ve collected three 1950’s nuclear blast safety videos narrated by 1950’s narrators. Enjoy.

1. Duck and Cover

The message of Duck and Cover is simple: turtles are impervious to nuclear attacks. If you’re not a turtle and/or you don’t have a shell, a desk, table, or even your hands will suffice. Also: watch out for monkeys.

2. The House in the Middle

Who knew cleaning and painting your house could protect you from hydrogen bombs? Actually, the video never really implies that you will survive; just that your house will still be standing, or will burn more slowly. At the very least, whatever is left of your body will be in a tidy house. That alone should be comforting to the rescue crews, assuming anyone survived the nuclear holocaust long enough to find out. Isn’t that reassuring?

3. Medical Aspects of Nuclear Radiation

Okay, this one is a little long. But did you know that your body is run by tiny dwarfs? Or that you have “sex cells” which are conveniently off-screen? Or that a toupee is “treatment” for radiation exposure? They did have one good piece of advice about a nuclear blast: “Be somewhere else when it happens.” Wow, thanks for that advice.

Now that you’ve seen these videos, I’m sure you’re an expert in surviving a nuclear blast. Especially if you’re a disembodied 1950’s narrator. Good luck, and don’t forget to keep your desk tidy.