San Francisco tourist FAQ from a local

In the interest of helping tourists who are new to San Francisco, as a local I thought I’d answer a few common questions.

Q: Should I go to Alcatraz/Pier 39/cable cars/Coit Tower?
A: How the hell would I know?

Q: How do I get to…
A: Well, first you pull your phone out of your pocket. Then you start the maps app, and you type in where you’re going.

Q: Where’s the entrance to the Golden Gate Bridge?
A: You’re already on the Golden Gate Bridge. You just can’t see it through all the fog.

Q: Where can I park around here?
A: You can’t. Whoever told you to rent that car owes you an apology.

Q: Since bread bowls are high in carbs, why are San Franciscans so thin?
A: Fact: Nobody who lives in San Francisco has ever eaten soup in a bread bowl.

Q: What do the locals eat?
A: Typical, healthy San Franciscans eat 1 to 1.5 times their body weight per month in burritos (or as you call them, “Chi-POH-tly.”)

Q: Should I head over to Haight-Ashbury, get high, and put a flower in my hair?
A: The wind will blow the flower away. And you’ll get busted ineptly trying to buy drugs from some dumbass in Golden Gate Park. So please, go right ahead.

Q: Can you show me where my favorite episodes of Full House and Monk were filmed?
A: Yes, but first we’ll have to get in your rental car and drive down to Burbank.

Q: I saw two hairy, shirtless men in the street, wearing leather masks and whipping each other. Is there some kind of street fair going on?
A: Nope.