Archive for November, 2013

New NSA wiretaps being installed at AT&T

November 25th, 2013


As you may recall, back in 2006 a whistleblower exposed that AT&T had allowed the NSA to wiretap their internet traffic from a secret room.

Today, a massive wrapped-up package was being moved into the same windowless building via crane. Hmmm… could this be the NSA’s latest way to spy on the cat GIFs you’re sending your friends? We may never find ou ** NO CARRIER **

Disneyland comes to The Mission

November 24th, 2013

The New Mission: Haute, Yet Edgy

Good news, everyone! Disneyland is coming to the Mission!

A recent street stencil breaks the news. I called up Disney’s headquarters for more information. Here’s the scoop:

  • Unlike Disney’s other parks, this one will be both “haute” and “edgy” with cast members playing hobos, hipsters, and street drunks. Keeping with the theme, a scary Tomorrowland ride called BART will whisk you from one end of the park to the other.

  • There will be plenty of places to eat, although they’re all a bit expensive for what you get. And of course there will be numerous gift shops selling cheap junk at ridiculous prices — but you’ll buy a souvenir anyway because that’s what people do.

  • Other attractions will include Goofy’s Art Alley, The Hunchback of San Francisco de Asis, Haunted Denim Shop’s Ghostly Price Tag Scare, and Snow White’s Naughty Vibrator Emporium. When you’re done, why not relax in Kermit the Frog’s Dolores Park Village?

  • Be prepared for long lines. You might want to bring something to read, and be sure to wear comfortable shoes.

Solar Powered Cats

November 23rd, 2013

Solar Powered Cats

(Spotted on Valencia)

If conventional, cat food-powered cats aren’t green enough for your LEED Certified lifestyle, try a solar powered cat. Go ahead! But don’t say Philip K. Dick didn’t warn you about this particular dystopian future.

Bartfeld Sales Co.

November 13th, 2013

Bartfeld Sales Co.

Next time you’re driving out of Foods Co. with a truckload of cheap beer, be sure to stop and look across the street. The reclaimed wood exterior of 14th Street’s Bartfeld Sales Co. received a colorful makeover in recent months thanks to local artists.

Fall fashion

November 7th, 2013

New look for Fall New look for Fall

(Spotted on 2nd Street.)

Hey everyone, there’s a new look this fall that’s already hitting the streets. You have to try it! All you need is your tear-off receipts from your ballot, two pennies, some tape, and your favorite hat.

This new look is the talk of the town, so get started! OMG you’re going to look awesome!!

Proposition U (the “Sin Tax” Legislation)

November 5th, 2013


It’s voting day, and this flyer appeared on various utility poles near 16th and Mission this morning.

The text reads:

Proposition U (the “Sin Tax” Legislation)

Argument In Favor of Proposition U:

No pleasure without pain.

Rebuttal to Argument in Favor of Proposition U:

Beware the wiles of mustachioed ladies. Are we really okay with a one-eyed King? Say wolverines, or badgers, scratch through the low window, behind the Hydrangeas. Or a possum. Or an opossum? Either way — they’re still inside the house.

Argument Opposed to Proposition U:

If dolphins were larger, would they have old tires stuck around their heads, instead of old six-pack rings? Tracking polls indicate near universal acceptance of [argument]. We need to get back to defiling the native architecture.

Rebuttal to Argument Opposed to Proposition U:

There sits one day in a place far away a little girl and her doll. And her doll could be at risk and her risk could be very real even if the doll’s imaginary friend ran for office.

Paid Argument In Favor of Proposition U:

It’s like I said before. Your ship as come in, buddy! Stop fighting it.

Paid Argument Opposed to Proposition U:

A voter walks into a bar. He — and let’s just say it’s a he — sits down at a table. And let’s just say a gal comes over and sits on his lap. It’s a free country.

What do you think, readers? How are you going to vote on Proposition U?


November 2nd, 2013

Artreestic Artreestic

An odd piece of framed art recently appeared on a tree on Dolores Street. How artreestic! Click the images for a larger view.

(Spotted at 16th and Dolores)