Posts Tagged ‘sanfrancisco’

Differences

October 8th, 2014

The other evening while waiting for a train, I decided to write an intentionally terrible rap song about a relationship gone sour due to irreconcilable differences. Here it is in all its glory:

You ride Muni and I ride BART
That’s why we’ll always be apart
I like the Giants, you don’t like baseball
There’s no chance we’ll get along at all
You smoke pot, and I, crack
The differences between us are a fact

 
[chorus]
I say “SF” but you say “Frisco”
The only word that rhymes here is “disco”
At first I liked you, you made me feel at ease
Until I found out you still like Thee Oh Sees
Our differences are tall as Sutro Tower
I give you zero stars like Michael Bauer

 
I live in the Mission but you’re in West Portal
My love for you will never be immortal
Your startup is funded, I’m at the loan shark
We’re as unnatural as Golden Gate Park
Sorry baby but we have to disband
I’m flat broke, I’m moving to Oakland

 

I’m looking forward to my Grammy nomination.

Black rectangle to be removed from Moscone West

September 26th, 2014

"Facsimile" at Moscone West

Since it opening day Moscone West at 4th and Howard has been adorned by a large black rectangle on the side of the building. Careful observers might notice that this rectangle is attached to a somewhat rusty track that goes around the entire building. Soon, this rectangle will be removed.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

When the building was first proposed in the early 2000s art firm Diller and Scofidio (now Diller Scofidio + Renfro) was hired to develop a public art element. And design they did. Their piece is called Facsimile. It was intended to show images of inside the conference center intermixed with playful videos of life in the surrounding hotels, while the screen moved back and forth across the track. While it’s certainly an interesting design, that design never quite translated to the real world.

Despite spending hours scouring the internet for evidence of the piece working as intended, I was only able to find conceptual renderings of what the piece was intended to look like. In practice, on the rare occasions it was switched on the screen didn’t move and only displayed occasional flashes of light.

SF Arts Commission voted to remove Facsimile on September 8th partly due to ongoing maintenance costs associated with preserving the non-functioning art. But if the Bay Area can’t get a piece of technology to work, it’s probably broken beyond repair.

You are being influenced with remote-based computer programmed conversational skits

September 19th, 2014

Mind control

For the past year or so, schizo rants similar to the one above have occasionally graced utility polls in downtown San Francisco. Exactly who is putting these up is unknown — the person in question has access to office supplies and seems capable of formulating grammatically correct sentences, which rules out many of SF’s best known colorful eccentrics.

So while it’s an amusingly bizarre read, it’s also a bit sad that the person behind this appears to be in the early stages of losing their grip.

 
Here’s the full text of the unhinged rant:

You are being influenced with remote-based computer programmed conversational skits when (1) you talk to yourself excessively with imaginary persons, (2) the discussion is with supervisors, friends, or famous people (for better influencing impact), and (3) it seems like you can almost feel what the other person feels like.
 
How it is done: Each person’s natural & distinct electrical cerebral emissions are assigned human tracking numbers. Our emissions are then constantly attached to thru usage of tracking medium (such as radiowave) which also has an open channel for transferring speech into and from our heads (i.e., our emissions are thus used like a transistor inside a radio – chip implants are not needed). Computers, programmed by operators for conversational manipulation, are at the other end of the tracker medium where our tracking numbers, name, sex, family members, likes, dislikes, and, all of our thoughts and statements are recorded. Libraried conversational skits, are applied into our hearing reception centers. Web query: Mind control and US Patents (beware, many sites include speculation).
 
Those of our leaders who are still with us and the law, are too manipulated to have sufficiently met and conferred on how to stop this; otherwise they would have informed us of more facts on the topic. WE MUST PUT OUT THE WORD and make this crime more public to enable the leg work by leaders necessary for a solution that entails the cessation of our manipulation.

Why San Francisco is not 7 by 7 miles

January 15th, 2014

San Francisco is seven by seven miles. Everyone who lives here knows that. There’s even a magazine named after this fact.

Problem is, it’s not exactly true.

While the land area is about 49 square miles, as Wikipedia points out the total area is a much larger 232 square miles when you include water. Aside from a sizable portion of the bay and some of its islands, San Francisco also includes the Farallon Islands and surrounding water in the Pacific.

The city’s actual borders are easy to visualize using OpenStreetMap:

In case you’re wondering where OpenStreetMap is getting this data, it’s straight from the US Census TIGER data. The same information can be viewed on their website, albeit with some difficulty.

One more thing: (Spoiler alert!) Despite what many seem to think, SFO is not located in San Francisco; it’s entirely in San Mateo County. So if you’re ever wondering why the airport doesn’t have SF’s trademark urine, pot, and beer smell, that’s probably why.

Fogust descends on Dolores Park

August 14th, 2013

Fogust at Dolores Park

This is the time of year when a lot of us take time off for vacation. The season of summer needs time off as well, which is why we have the month of Fogust.

A strange thing happens as the fog engulfs the city; the area around Dolores Park is shielded from the fog by Twin Peaks, leaving a big sunny patch. One has to wonder if a certain Junipero Serra took this heavenly parting as a sign for where he should start construction when he arrived here in Fogust of 1776 (Okay, June 29th, but close enough.)

And perhaps one day in the distant future, archeologists will stumble on this sunny spot in the foggy ruins of our city. And maybe they’ll figure out why San Franciscans spent so much time fighting over building things that — most of the time — nobody could even see.

Typical corner in San Francisco

May 25th, 2013

Fire hydrant, bicycle wheel, red vines

A bicycle wheel leaned up against a fire hydrant with a partially used pack of Red Vines on top. Pretty much says it all about San Francisco, doesn’t it?

Localization FAIL

March 26th, 2013

Localization FAIL

Remember, when you pretend that your mega-corporation is my “neighbor,” you might check that the return address is not 2,000 miles away.

Got that, AT&T?

Good. Now go sit in the corner with Ubisoft for your time out.

How to advertise your sublet in San Francisco

February 2nd, 2013

When you’ve got a sublet to rent out, where do you go? Craigslist? Whatever, dude. That’s so 2012. What, are you stuck living in the past?

No way. Now it’s all about using your wifi SSID to sell goods and services.

You don’t need to sell out to the man (Craig Newmark.) You can advertise all by yourself without even leaving the comfort of your home WAN.

(Spotted in the Mission.)

How to fake your local cred

November 24th, 2012

Assassin's Creed III

Recently a number of ads for Assassin’s Creed III have shown up around the city. You’ve probably seen them since they’re on almost every billboard space, bus stop, etc.

If you’ve avoided video games for the past few years, Assassin’s Creed is a series of video games about an assassin, who, uh, has to carry out a bunch of random tasks for some reason. (It’s GTA without cars, essentially.)

Criticisms aside, what makes these ads so grating is this:

Wait, what?

Yeah, uh… what? First of all, Ubisoft is a French company. Yes, they have an office in San Francisco, but it’s mostly administrative.

Second, this particular game was made in Montreal. Nothing against Montreal, but it’s far from here and you have to cross a border.

The moral of the story is this: don’t claim local cred if you don’t have it. San Francisco hipsters don’t care if their video games are locally sourced in the first place.

False alarms: how the city should have responded

August 30th, 2012

On Sunday, the entire city heard the warning system (“air raid” siren”) that’s normally tested on Tuesdays at noon. Apparently this was due to human error.

Which is fine, really. People make mistakes.

What is NOT fine was what they did next: nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Instead of using the AlertSF system to notify people that the alarm was a mistake, they sat on their asses and fielded calls from (rightfully) confused residents, who were in fact told specifically NOT to call — we’ll get to that in a moment.

It doesn’t help that the voice message played after the alarm is muddled and incomprehensible. If it was audible we would have heard the “This is just a test” message to let us know everything was cool. But we didn’t.

The city’s official page for the outdoor warning system helpfully explains what to do in this situation.

If you hear the siren at a time other than its regular test on Tuesday at noon:

  • Stop what you are doing.

  • Stay calm.
  • Listen for possible voice announcements.
  • Turn on the radio or television, (such as KCBS 740AM, KQED 88.5 FM) for important information provided by the City.
  • Avoid using the telephone. Do not call 9-1-1, unless you have a life-threatening emergency.

In other words, listen to a voice you can’t hear or turn on a radio or TV in a town where everybody has Hulu Plus and iPods. Hmm, yeah about that. The last bullet point is particularly troubling since apparently the city got quite a few calls, meaning many folks didn’t follow these rules and/or were not aware of them.

Here’s my advice to the city in the future:

  1. Stop using the alarm to indicate things that aren’t related to emergencies. Haven’t you ever heard of the boy who cried wolf?

  2. When the alarm is set off by mistake, immediately post a message to AlertSF letting us know it was a mistake.
  3. Turn the voice message on the alarm off, since an alarm followed by a muffled message is more confusing that just an alarm.
  4. Come up with a more realistic set of guidelines for what to do when the alarm goes off that don’t involve antiquated technology like radio. Then take the time to publicize this list so people don’t flood the phone lines with questions.
  5. Train the employees responsible for the alarm so they know how to use it.

Seem reasonable? If the city can’t be trusted to use the alarm in a sensible way, we need to scrap it.