“Delores”? No, a red underline should appear when you type that out. It’s spelled “Dolores” with only one “e.”
This is why we need spell check in real life, so I’ve taken care of fixing that for you.
Lately we’ve heard a lot about wearable tech. It’s said to be an exciting new product category that involves smartwatches, Google Glass, and perhaps fitness trackers.
But how many of the people talking about this future of wearable gadgets are wearing wristwatches, glasses, or contact lenses? And how many of them are wearing clothes and shoes made from fabrics that didn’t exist a century ago?
Wearable tech isn’t the future, it’s the present. Just because we don’t always think of elastic underwear or an old-timey wind up watch as “tech” doesn’t mean they aren’t.
So what are we really talking about when we discuss this seemingly inevitable rise of gadgets we strap to ourselves?
Essentially, we’re lumping together products designed to put on our bodies that are futuristic in the sense that they’re not very good yet. They all suffer from one or more of the following flaws:
Point is, we need to stop talking about HUDs and newfangled computer watches as though they belong together. These are very different gadgets with discrete feature sets — and different problems to overcome.
Even as buzzwords go, wearable tech isn’t meaningful: it’s unnecessary, not descriptive, and even if it were it still wouldn’t be a product category in and of itself. It’s time to shut up about wearable tech and let this buzzword die.
If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that everyone wants listicles with animated GIFs. This is why Buzzfeed has an Alexa ranking of 221 whereas, let’s say The Atlantic, is ranked far lower at 1,868.
So why does our government keep producing longreads? Just look at the Obamacare bill; according to Wikipedia it’s 906 pages. And that’s nothing compared to all 73,954 pages of federal income tax laws. Who has time for that? We all have to pay taxes and take care of our health, but you’d need superpowers to plow through all those documents on your own.
It wasn’t always this way. In fact, a few of our first national laws were in listicle format. But somewhere along the way we got off track.
Next time you see your government representative tell them you’ve had enough of their lengthy manifestos. From now on you want simple laws you can read, preferably with lists and animated GIFs of cats falling off chairs.
Because that’s what everyone wants these days; after all it was enough to bait you into reading this post.
Look. I’ve been doing far too much airplane travel recently. Like most of us, I’m not traveling on private jets; I’m flying “economy” on commercial airlines. Airplanes, airports — it always sucks. At best, the experience isn’t complete bullshit. At worst, the stench of airline food will make you beg for death.
Here’s my advice on how to be a decent person throughout your air travels. If we all follow these simple rules, the entire airline experience will suck a lot less for everyone.
Follow along and take notes.
Sitting in coach
Food and drink service
Photo by Wildhaber
Do you ever get up in the morning, head to the bathroom, take a nice deep breath and proclaim, “Gee, I’m sure glad my bathroom doesn’t smell like shit!”
Of course not. Because as an American, you live in a country where bathrooms only smell terrible after someone has recently defecated.
What you may not realize is that most of the world isn’t so lucky. In fact, even modern European countries have bathrooms that smell absolutely terrible at all times. The smell often noticeably makes its way to the rest of the building, and I say this as someone who’s hard of smelling.
So why is America different? IT’S A TRAP!
Ever since British plumbing guru Thomas Crapper invented the U-shaped “trap,” pretty much every sink drain in the US has used his design. Go look under a sink and see for yourself.
The purpose of this invention is to contain a small amount of water in the U section that air cannot escape through. This prevents foul gas from the sewers from rising into your house and making your bathroom stink.
For some reason in much of Europe, Mexico, etc. the trap never gained much traction. Instead, people prefer to save a couple bucks on plumbing (see above photo) and pretend that the disgusting sewer smell is normal.
There’s plenty of things I’ll never understand about the rest of the world. This is #1 on that list.
Ever had a 12 oz can of Coca-Cola and thought, “Gee, that was refreshing, but I could have used an extra 1/2 oz”?
If you said yes, they’ve got the product for you: a 12.5 oz bottle of Coke.
The same gas station with this sign also advertised a 16 oz bottle of Pepsi. Presumably that’s for people who need an extra four ounces, but don’t want to spring a standard 20 oz bottle.
Ever heard of Women’s World magazine? If you’ve shopped at Safeway, the answer is yes.
But have you ever stopped and read the covers, week after week? The magazine’s frequently contradictory headlines seem too overt not to be intentional. Seeing the need to document this, I went to great lengths to occasionally photograph the magazine cover while in line at Safeway when I had my phone with me and bothered to think about it.
And now: the results of my painstaking research. All covers of Woman’s World magazine that I found contain the following top headlines:
In conclusion, this magazine is aimed at women who don’t have an internal conflict between making sweet deserts and becoming dangerously obese.
One could argue that all impulse buys based on denial. But does it need to be spelled out in bold headlines?
Oh and Safeway: why suggest a gastric bypass to your customers while they’re checking out? Isn’t that a bit mean? Or at the very least, shooting yourself in the foot?
An open letter.
This is an open letter to whoever photoshopped this:
You’re fired. That’s right — fired.
Now I know I’m not your boss. That’s just how bad this is. Think of it like a citizen’s arrest but for public displays of incompetence. I don’t care if the original photo depicted the rotten corpse of a woman who’s face had been torn apart by wolves, because the result of your failure at photo editing is far worse.
So I hope you can understand why you’re fired. Now gather your things and get the hell out.
If you listen to the so-called knife “experts,” they always give you the same two pieces of advice:
The first point is of course, insane. That $250 knife at Williams-Sonoma can only do one thing: cut. And guess what? The $15 knife I bought at Safeway has the same feature. Look, if you’re an eye surgeon or something go ahead and spend the extra cash on knives for your operating room. But for your kitchen? Right, like you’ll be able to tell the difference. Give me a break.
The second point is very strange. No dishwasher? I didn’t spend $350 on a dishwasher to hand wash stuff. “But wait!” they say. “The dishwasher will RUIN YOUR KNIVES!!!!!”
To which I answer: so what? A dryer slowly will ruin your clothes but we all still use them. At best, the dishwasher might make your knives dull slightly faster. But that’s why knife sharpeners were invented. And even if my knives do get “ruined” by the dishwasher in the long run, I’m only out $15 per knife. No huge loss.
So there you have it: ignore the “experts” and throw all your knives in the dishwasher. You’ll save time and have the satisfaction of sticking it to the know-it-alls.
Why does the SF.gov iPhone app suck? We live in a city filled with iOS software developers. Any of them could do a better job than this.
Look, I’m not that picky when it comes to software. But I’m not going to put up with your app if it’s slower than anything I’ve ever seen, buggy as hell, and haphazardly organized.
Let me explain.
Let’s start with those tab buttons at the bottom of the screen. Check the screenshot above.
When you press one of those, you probably think it will switch to the corresponding screen. That’s because you’re not the alcoholic middle school drop out who wrote this app.
No, instead one of the following happens when you press a tab button:
You have to hand it to this application, it’s original — no other app has those bugs.
The most useless tab is “services.” There’s only two options: calling 311, or a search box. The first option is self-explanatory. Strangely they don’t let you fill out a 311 report in the app; that requires a separate app that has completely different bugs.
The little search box gives no indication as to what it does. As you start typing into the box, titles appear below in a list. But you can only see two of them when the keyboard is open. You have to click the Done button to make the keyboard go away. If you skip that step and try to scroll the page, it will take you to the first page in the list. It’s not like you’re kind of busy when you’re using your phone to look up information. No, you have all the time in the world to tinker with UI glitches.
Whatever you click, it takes you to a mobile version of the SF.gov website. The browser is Safari, but for some reason it’s agonizingly slow. Fortunately there’s an unlabelled button which — as I discovered through trial and error — sends the page to Safari.
On the connect tab you can find Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube links for SF.gov and other city services. Each of these opens in the agonizingly slow version of Safari included in this app. None of this will help you get your car back after it got towed for too many street sweeping tickets, so don’t bother with this section. It’s largely links to irrelevant city press releases.
What’s more interesting is the photo at the top of this section. It seems to depict the last thing someone saw as their eyes closed and they died while waiting in line at City Hall. (Click the image above to see for yourself.)
In case you were wondering, the Updates, Media, and More sections are also just lists of links to websites. Why most/all of these links didn’t belong in “Services” or “Connect” is anyone’s guess. Like all the lists of things in this app, they don’t scroll smoothly but instead jerk around slowly.
Everything in this app suffers from the same basic problem: you shouldn’t get pregnant with your pet ape, give birth to the ape-man-baby out of your ass, buy it a Mac and then teach it programming so it can make an SF.gov app. That’s just not humane.
While trapped at the Market St. Safeway during the rainstorm today, I made a shocking discovery: Safeway carries not one, but THREE brands of frozen chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs.
Does this alarm anyone else?
Why do we need to make food shaped like extinct animals? Are there children out there somewhere who refuse to eat nuggets not shaped like dinosaurs? “No mom, I can’t eat this, it’s not shaped like a dinosaur.” Clearly, such a child needs to be loaded with ADHD medication and spanked repeatedly, not indulged in his absurd food preferences.
Sure, Safeway has four isle-long freezers, but there has to be a better way to fill them than this.
What do you think, has Safeway gone too far this time?