You see this? This is what happens when hipster techies in the Mission litter their vintage textbook covers. Pick up after yourselves, people!
Archive for the ‘Local’ Category
Today, a massive wrapped-up package was being moved into the same windowless building via crane. Hmmm… could this be the NSA’s latest way to spy on the cat GIFs you’re sending your friends? We may never find ou ** NO CARRIER **
Good news, everyone! Disneyland is coming to the Mission!
A recent street stencil breaks the news. I called up Disney’s headquarters for more information. Here’s the scoop:
- Unlike Disney’s other parks, this one will be both “haute” and “edgy” with cast members playing hobos, hipsters, and street drunks. Keeping with the theme, a scary Tomorrowland ride called BART will whisk you from one end of the park to the other.
- There will be plenty of places to eat, although they’re all a bit expensive for what you get. And of course there will be numerous gift shops selling cheap junk at ridiculous prices — but you’ll buy a souvenir anyway because that’s what people do.
- Other attractions will include Goofy’s Art Alley, The Hunchback of San Francisco de Asis, Haunted Denim Shop’s Ghostly Price Tag Scare, and Snow White’s Naughty Vibrator Emporium. When you’re done, why not relax in Kermit the Frog’s Dolores Park Village?
- Be prepared for long lines. You might want to bring something to read, and be sure to wear comfortable shoes.
(Spotted on Valencia)
If conventional, cat food-powered cats aren’t green enough for your LEED Certified lifestyle, try a solar powered cat. Go ahead! But don’t say Philip K. Dick didn’t warn you about this particular dystopian future.
Hey everyone, there’s a new look this fall that’s already hitting the streets. You have to try it! All you need is your tear-off receipts from your ballot, two pennies, some tape, and your favorite hat.
This new look is the talk of the town, so get started! OMG you’re going to look awesome!!
It’s voting day, and this flyer appeared on various utility poles near 16th and Mission this morning.
The text reads:
Proposition U (the “Sin Tax” Legislation)
Argument In Favor of Proposition U:
No pleasure without pain.
Rebuttal to Argument in Favor of Proposition U:
Beware the wiles of mustachioed ladies. Are we really okay with a one-eyed King? Say wolverines, or badgers, scratch through the low window, behind the Hydrangeas. Or a possum. Or an opossum? Either way — they’re still inside the house.
Argument Opposed to Proposition U:
If dolphins were larger, would they have old tires stuck around their heads, instead of old six-pack rings? Tracking polls indicate near universal acceptance of [argument]. We need to get back to defiling the native architecture.
Rebuttal to Argument Opposed to Proposition U:
There sits one day in a place far away a little girl and her doll. And her doll could be at risk and her risk could be very real even if the doll’s imaginary friend ran for office.
Paid Argument In Favor of Proposition U:
It’s like I said before. Your ship as come in, buddy! Stop fighting it.
Paid Argument Opposed to Proposition U:
A voter walks into a bar. He — and let’s just say it’s a he — sits down at a table. And let’s just say a gal comes over and sits on his lap. It’s a free country.
What do you think, readers? How are you going to vote on Proposition U?
In the interest of helping tourists who are new to San Francisco, as a local I thought I’d answer a few common questions.
Q: Should I go to Alcatraz/Pier 39/cable cars/Coit Tower?
A: How the hell would I know?
Q: How do I get to…
A: Well, first you pull your phone out of your pocket. Then you start the maps app, and you type in where you’re going.
Q: Where’s the entrance to the Golden Gate Bridge?
A: You’re already on the Golden Gate Bridge. You just can’t see it through all the fog.
Q: Where can I park around here?
A: You can’t. Whoever told you to rent that car owes you an apology.
Q: Since bread bowls are high in carbs, why are San Franciscans so thin?
A: Fact: Nobody who lives in San Francisco has ever eaten soup in a bread bowl.
Q: What do the locals eat?
A: Typical, healthy San Franciscans eat 1 to 1.5 times their body weight per month in burritos (or as you call them, “Chi-POH-tly.”)
Q: Should I head over to Haight-Ashbury, get high, and put a flower in my hair?
A: The wind will blow the flower away. And you’ll get busted ineptly trying to buy drugs from some dumbass in Golden Gate Park. So please, go right ahead.
Q: Can you show me where my favorite episodes of Full House and Monk were filmed?
A: Yes, but first we’ll have to get in your rental car and drive down to Burbank.
Q: I saw two hairy, shirtless men in the street, wearing leather masks and whipping each other. Is there some kind of street fair going on?